A CELEBRATION OF LIFE AND STUDY

SIYUM OF THE BABYLONIAN TALMUD

For better or worse, during the past few years I have neglected this Blog and focused on other interests. One of the most time consuming activities has been the regular daily study of a page (front and back) of the Babylonian Talmud. In 1923, in Poland, Rav Meir Shapiro introduced the idea of encouraging as many people as he could to study a page of Talmud each day, and during the course of the ensuing 7 years or so they would finish the entire set of one of the basic texts of Jewish law. That was 100 years ago, and this movement, this exclusive club of Talmud enthusiasts has been remarkably successful. Since I was a teenager in Yeshiva in Toronto I have wanted to join the tens of thousands that study  the Talmud daily but somehow it never happened. I never felt I had the time to make the serious commitment that would be required. 

In June of 2016 right around the time of my 65th birthday I finally decided to take  the plunge. As it happened, the Daf Yomi was at that point beginning the tractate of Baba Kama dealing with civil law and the routine began. I had previously studied parts of Baba Kama so that helped me ease into the daily task of keeping up with the daily study routine. What best fit my personality was to study when my personal schedule permitted and so I studied alone when I could make the time. I used an English translation of the Talmud to help cover the difficult parts of the texts. This edition of the Talmud also offered a running explanation of the different approaches to understanding the text and a review of the halachic principles that evolved from the discussion of the text.  The English translation was especially useful when we covered the Aggadic section of the discussions where the Aramaic tends to be more difficult and the concepts focus on the culture of the times and the wisdom statements of the rabbinic literature of the times.

About a year, ago I checked the calendar to get some idea of when I would be completing the 7 year (and 4 months) cycle, to my surprise it was to end on November 2, 2023. It dawned on me that my mother's 30th yartzeit would fall on the 25th of October just 8 days earlier. I thought that if I could finish my course of study in time for my mother's yartzeit that would be an appropriate way to commemorate the day of her passing and I could gather family and friends in order to celebrate both events at the same time.

And so, on Tuesday night of this past week, on October 24th, I was sitting in my living room with a small selection of family and friends to my left and my laptop computer connecting me virtually to other family and friends on my right. We ceremoniously completed the tractate of Kiddushin, we read the required prayers and said the long text of the Kaddish as tradition would dictate. Then I shared a general thought that I had had about the general topic of Jewish marriage which is the predominant subject of the tractate of Kiddushin. It went something like this:

The central ceremony that usually consummates the marriage of a man and a woman in Jewish tradition occurs when the man places a gift of some significant value (nowadays usually a ring) into the hand of the woman and says the words "May you be consecrated to me with this ring according to the rules of Moses and the People of Israel". This takes place before two eligible witnesses and then it is completed by the signing of a financial commitment (Ketuba) signed by the groom where he promises to support and sustain his wife in good faith and guarantees a monetary payment in the event of his death or in the event of a divorce. As lovely as this ceremony is it tends to leave a sour taste in the mouth many people especially in the mouth of the "Modern Woman".  It leaves one with the impression that the man is buying the woman and that she is selling herself to him for the price of a beautiful gold wedding band. Somehow this understanding of the ceremony lacks something in the way of romance

I would like to suggest that what is actually happening is quite different and actually quite a bit more romantic. In Judaism, the married couple and the family unit form the basis of a healthy and stable society. There have always been individuals who do not fit this restrictive modal but the family unit predominates and set the atmosphere as an entity of love and caring between the man and woman and the children which may be born into the family unit. Judaism denounces trends in society that encourage promiscuity where the mothers and children are not sure of the identity of their fathers and where there is often a single parent burdened with all the responsibility for nurturing and caring for the family. Pages and pages of the Talmud are devoted to discussions about choosing a spouse from a family with good lineage that distinguishes itself with a known respectable past and hope for a viable present and a future. 

Here we come face to face however with a practical problem that mother nature has inflicted upon all of us. It is fairly easy to to set procedures in place that will ensure the identity of the mother of almost every child that is born into this world. However, until modern times there has never been a foolproof way of making sure we know the identity of the father. The biological father's contribution takes place at conception and in a case where the woman accepts multiple partners it may not be possible for even the mother to identify which is the father. Thus, in a promiscuous society there is a lack of motivation for the man to be committed to remaining in the family unit. The woman has the strong upper hand in this matter. The mother has the advantage over the man and generally remains naturally motivated to care for her children. Nature dictates that the woman has a power and a connection to the children that the man does not have.

When the groom gives the woman a ring he is eliciting from the bride a
contractual agreement to limit her sexual activity to him and to him alone. This means that he is reasonably sure that any children that are forthcoming in the marriage are his children. Thus, he feels no reluctance to commit himself entirely to creating a family unit in which the children can grow up feeling protected and provided for, with both parents sharing the burden. The Ketuba allows the man to commit himself financially to his wife where he promises to provide for the family unit in the manner that is traditional for a Jewish man and a Jewish husband. He does this in the knowledge that his wife will be faithful and the children will be his.

To me this is an expression of the love that the bride and groom feel towards each other and of the commitment between them to care for one another and protect the viability of the family unit come what may. Perhaps this interpretation can be seen as quite a bit more romantic and plays out much easier with everyone's sensibilities.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF ROSE TEPPERMAN

At this point, in the evening's proceedings, I changed the focus of the evening into a commemoration of the life of my mother Rose Tepperman. She has been gone 30 years but I still think about her almost every day. I relayed the following anecdotes to those present and listening in order to give them some insight into what a unique and generous person she was, May her memory remain with us for a blessing.

VACCUMING HER APARTMENT AT MIDNIGHT

On the evening of December 17, 1977, just before midnight, Shauna and I entered the 14th floor apartment In Toronto where I lived with my mother Rosy. We came to have some tea and cake and get in out of the cold. Shauna and I had been dating fairly regularly since the middle of October and we were expecting to find the living room dark and quiet and for Rose to be asleep in her bedroom. As we opened the door, we were greeted instead by my mother dressed in a tattered housecoat, vacuuming the living room carpet and smoking like a chimney.  I said something like "Hello Mum! What are you doing up at this hour? Why are you vacuuming?" Rose turned off the vacuum cleaner, took the cigarette out of her mouth and said "Harvey and Susan called. They are on the way to the hospital. She's in labour." I paused to think for a moment and then said, "Well, I guess we should head down to the hospital so we can be there for the birth. I can drop Shauna off on the way. Do you want to come?" At this point,

Rose snuffed out the cigarette, and pulled open the clasps of her housecoat. Underneath, she was fully dressed in her finest skirt and blouse. With a mischievous smile on her face she said "OK! I'm ready."

ROSY'S TWO DEATH THREATS

In June of 1955, I was turning all of 4 years old, and my parents made a family birthday party for me in their house at 333 Clinton Street in Toronto. The party was just about over and the children, myself included, piled out of the small living room into the even smaller front yard. I had 2 older cousins, Linda who was then about 8 years old and Gerry who was about 6. The tiny front yard was too small to hold our exuberance and we were playing some sort of tag and starting to get a bit wild. On the spur of the moment, Linda ran across Clinton Street with Gerry following closely behind. Impulsively, I ran after them on my 4 year old legs. What else would you expect me to do. As chance would have it, I tripped and fell in the middle of the street just as a dark sedan was making its way towards me. The car screeched to a stop just inches before running me over, and my mother screamed as she turned and saw what was happening. My mother Rosy ran out onto the street yelling at me "Are you OK? Are you OK?" When I answered timidly, "Ya, I'm OK", she promptly raise her right hand and swatted me as hard as she could 2 or 3 times on the rear end, saying, "If you ever do anything like that again I'm going to KILL  you."

Twenty three years after the first death threat, and a few months after the "vacuuming at midnight" story, Rose and I were sitting and having supper together in her apartment and Rosy turned to me and said "What's happening between you and Shauna?" I replied that we really liked each other but that things were still a bit up in the air between us. Rosy said "So nu, what's taking so long?" Where upon I replied that Shauna needed some more time to sort out her feelings. Now you have to realize that I was 27 years old, working as a middle school math teacher, and still living in my mother's apartment. My mother said to me "Jerry, this one is a keeper. I Like her. If you let her get away, I'm going to KILL you!!" Luckily, a few weeks later, Shauna proposed to me and saved my life..

ROSE GOLDWASSER THE OLD MAID

In approximately 1933, the great depression was in effect, household budgets were very tight and if you had a job you certainly did not give it up if you could help it. Coincidentally, my mother Rosy was turning 21 and her father Kalman made arrangements for her to travel to New York to meet a young man who was a distant cousin but purportedly a very engaging prospect. As you can imagine, the intention of the young man and woman meeting each other on this trip was for them to get acquainted and agree to get engaged. Rosy made the trip to New York, she met the young man and she also was introduced to other members of the extended family. Low and behold, Rosy was not at all attracted to the young man she was intended for, but she did fall for another cousin whom she met at some of the family gatherings. The resulting arguments and disagreements evolved into a rift between Rosy and her father Kalman. Rosy had very strong ideas about who she was willing to marry and they did not coincide with her father's. 

I remember that my Aunt Toby was in the habit of telling me that she grew up fascinated by her older sister Rosy (12 years older). She thought Rosy was beautiful and she was very lively and popular with the young men. The problem was that most of these young men were not strictly observant. Kalman would not likely have approved of any of them, and as I mentioned above Rosy was very particular about who she was willing to marry. On the other hand, despite their differences, Rosy adored her father and idolized him. I am guessing that she was unwilling to go against her father's wishes and marry someone that he did not approve of.

And so, by 1947, Rosy was 35 and unmarried. Kalman made the acquaintance of a man named Gavriel Tepperman who was a lantsman (from the same home town in Poland). This Gavriel mentioned that he had a nephew who had just arrived from the holocaust in Europe where his entire family had been killed. Kalman spoke about his 35 year old single daughter and they decided to try an introduction. The shiduch (match) worked and the couple fell in love. My father was an interesting blend. He was old country and very well educated, perhaps even learned, but after the holocaust he was for the most part non-practicing and he worked on the Sabbath. The good news was that he fit the bill and that is why I am here to tell the tale.

4 siblings - Joe, Toby, Rose, and Abe

DU KISHT UN SHLOGT, KISHT UN SHLOGT

In my home on Dell Park Ave. during the 1950's and 60's when I was growing up, there was a nightly battle between my mother and I about the TV and about homework. I would procrastinate doing my homework almost every night and then when the call came for bed time I was conniving to stay up a little later and watch the end of the program that was currently on the TV. The TV was playing almost ever night. You see, my father worked as a sowing machine operator 8 - 10 hours a day. He left the house before 7:00 am and didn't arrive home until about 7 pm. My mother had his supper on the table as soon as he got home and after supper all he wanted to do was relax in front of the TV. He had no interest in disciplining children or chasing after us to get us to finish our homework. Not surprisingly my mother inherited the job. She was the disciplinarian about bedtime and homework and about most other things in our upbringing. To be honest, you could not blame my father. He worked hard all day and if not for the couple of hours in front of the TV each evening he would not have interacted with his children at all. 

My sister and I would sit in the living room with our parents and watch one program or another until 8:00 or 8:30 and then the negotiations would start. "One more program"! It's not over yet, just let me see the end"! "Fifteen more minutes"! Occasionally, my mother would lose her temper and swat me on the behind until I finally listened to her. Then I would end up crying, running into my bedroom and wailing as if the world had come to an end. My mother could not stand to listen to me cry so what choice did she have? She came into my bedroom and plastered me with hugs, and kissed me until I calmed down and could try to get to sleep. 

I remember distinctly my father coming to the door of my bedroom. He would stand there shaking his head at the sudden change in my mother's attitude and the mixed messages she was sending about acceptable and appropriate behavior. He would say in Yiddish,"Ruchale Ruchale, Vost tidst du. Du kisht unshlogt, kisht unshlogt". Roughly, translated  - "Rosy Rosy, what do you think you are doing? All you do is kiss him and hit him, kiss him and hit him."  That was my mother Rosy, she loved us with all her being, she even loved us enough to hit us when she felt it was important.